In Her Hazel Eyes

This is a message for all couples skipping around in public in New York City, whether it be on the street, in the subway, at a restaurant or bar… currently, please be aware that I hate you. I really really really hate you.  Your obnoxious hand holding and kissing makes me want to puke on the sidewalk or dump a glass of water on you. I am very aware you are doing all of this specifically to rile me up and believe me, I take it very personally. And you should know that the odds of me dumping something on you out of pure disgust are much greater than that of the average human being these days. To begin with, I was never very patient even when in the best of moods and right now? The best of my moods is pretty grim. 

I guess some of my frustration is how easily it seems other people can find someone they connect with and want to date. Perhaps the average American is not very bright… and that’s more of a fact than a statement. I’ve found myself, more often than not, bored to tears while talking to most men in NYC bars. Soo umm… what do you like to do for fun? What state are you from? Do you like beer? Oh I’m sorry, I just fell asleep there for a moment. It seems like there are not very many men out there who have a dry sense of humor, confidence and the intelligence to discuss more than drinking or work. If I say something sarcastic and you aren’t able to throw it back, my interest ends there. And perhaps yes, I am too picky, but am I supposed to settle simply because what I am looking for is more difficult to find?

Last Thursday, after being dragged to a bar against my will by a friend, we sat at a table playing hangman with crayons on a paper table cloth and trading insults… this is normal with my friends and I. While taking a sip of my beer, I turned my head to the right and started listening to the ongoing conversation between the three males at the table across from ours. The ever-so-interesting topic of conversation at the table was that of Paris Hilton. Strike one. One of the men was passing around an iPhone containing a blurry photo of her he had taken at Coachella the weekend before. Wow. Tantalizing. Strike two. I instantly thought to myself… I am going to die alone. If this is what’s out there, someone just put me out of my misery. 

I’ve been told more than once that life just simply works itself out over time and what will be will be. Which seems like wonderful advice if you’re a house cat and you have no goals other than to smell and be worthless. I’ll never be one to say my ultimate goal is to get married and have children, simply because it’s never been my number one focus.  But I also never thought I’d be 28 years old and feel like I have nothing in my life under control.  I’m starting to realize now that I don’t want to be 30, 31, 32 and alone. Do I necessarily want to be married? No. But I do want to have a trusted partner and best friend to share my life with.  I guess I always figured by my age, I would already have what I’ve been looking for. 

In my current state, I am certainly not ready to be looking to date. I’m not even thinking clearly enough to be able to process most of what’s happened over the past months and create some semblance of an understanding of it. I’m still questioning if my last relationship was terribly wrong for me or if the situation was what was terribly wrong… and the jury is still out.  I feel like the fact that I’m questioning so much should tell me something but I don’t trust my current state of mind. So, until I can sort through all of this I will just continue to hate all of you stupid couples out there who feel the need to go traipsing by my apartment on a daily basis simply to piss me off. And next time I see you, I suggest you keep your distance…

A few weeks ago during the middle of the roller coaster romance I had gotten myself involved in against my better judgment, I had a moment of clarity in which I sat down in my room and wrote a long note to myself. This moment followed one of our usual bi-weekly meltdowns in which his issues of homesickness and instability reared their heads yet again.  It seems I am and was learning that mutual love for one another does not always keep a relationship intact.  None the less, in this moment I seemed to have a pretty good grasp on what was going to unfold in the coming months and while in a calm state was able to give myself the following bits of advice which I could go back to and read when I was no longer thinking clearly… ahem, right now. It’s funny how a broken heart will gnaw at and seemingly warp even the most concrete of thoughts.  Having been gifted more than one broken heart over the years, I sensed what this was going to feel like when it all finally came crashing down. Below is the list I made which I am currently trying to continuously remind myself of every day while I am doing my best to heal. I think for any woman out there some of these notes will be helpful at one time or another….

• You will meet someone who is strong enough and cares about you enough to not put you through any pain
• You will meet someone who has not one doubt about your relationship and feels blessed to have you
• You will meet someone who feels like you complete their life
• He is not all of you, your life has meaning with or without him
• He showed you a glimpse of love, take that with you
• You cannot change people and it is fruitless to try
• Do not let someone who is lost in his own life have such a strong effect on yours 
• People’s actions always speak more loudly than their words
• Try not to get so overwhelmed, things will get easier in time
• Remember the times he hurt you, don’t focus only on the good, it was never that easy
• Realize at a point you will be able to look back without the hurt and not feel emotional
• Realize that the reasoning for this not working out will become more clear as you are able to distance yourself from the situation
• Remember you deserve to meet someone you have no doubts about and you feel completely safe with 
• Wait for the person who you know you can trust with your heart

I haven’t written in some time as I’ve had a lot going on in my life and in all honesty, I’ve been struggling to cope with it all. I guess I’m just starting to realize that sometimes life, for lack of a better term, sucks. Over the past few months it seems to have handed me just about all I can handle.

Earlier this week, the relationship my boyfriend and I had been trying as hard as we could to keep together finally fell apart. His being English and incredibly homesick proved to be too much for us and he decided he needed to be at home and we needed to spend time fixing ourselves. While we both fought as hard as we could to be together, I am currently so incredibly crushed at how it’s all played out. When I met him it was like I had found my match. We instantly clicked on every level possible from day one. We could read each other instantly without words. This man treated me like no one has ever in my life. He made me feel so special and beautiful and just loved. It breaks my heart to know as we both sit in two separate countries we are both in so much pain. As much as I know my current judgment is completely clouded by a broken heart, I want nothing more than to be with him right now. I’ve yet to be able to process the reasoning for meeting a person whom you have a chemistry with some people will never experience in their lives if in the end you’ll ultimately be pulled apart.

That being said, we have both agreed that since we are each so unbelievably unhappy with our own personal lives that we need to take the time to focus on ourselves. I’ve been living in New York City for five years now and feel more uninterested and lost in this city than ever. I’m 28 yrs old and need to make some big life changes, both career and location wise. If I take anything away from all this current pain, it’s that I need to get up and figure my life out. I need to get myself in a position that if I want to transfer to work in Paris for a year, I can do that. Easier said than done of course, but I’m working on it and trying to give myself something to focus on. I’ve never been one to just give up so as much as it all seems unbearable at the moment, I have to change it.