Deep breath. Take a deep breath. This is what I tell myself when it creeps into my chest. That feeling that hides in some far off hidden room in my heart quietly tip toeing around only to make itself known during the most inconvenient of times. Crossing the street. Sitting in a meeting. Riding in a cab. Without warning my chest tightens and my throat dries up. My face flushes. As the extreme anger that has been swirling around in my head is beginning to subside, it is also revealing something else. The fact that behind the anger the pain is still there. The pain I was hoping my anger would overtake but hasn’t. The pain in the simple fact that as much as I hate myself for it. I miss him. At some point during almost every day, I miss him.
Perhaps more than him specifically, I miss having someone who I know understands me on such a deep level. Someone I can talk to day and night and who wants nothing more than me. Someone who I know misses me. Someone who is so complimentary of every facet of my personality and who I can share my innermost secrets with and feel comfortable knowing they’ll never look at me differently. That they’ll always look at me like I’m amazing. Someone who makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the world to them.
I’ve never had someone look at me the way he did. I’ve never had someone fall so quickly at the same exact time as I was. I didn’t expect anything from our chance meeting nor did he. I will never understand why he chose the course of action that he did but am still very aware it was for his own selfish reasons. I think one of the things that has made this all so difficult for me is I’ve never had someone in my life who is equal parts amazing and horrible. I can love him and hate him all at the same time and neither half seems to cancel out the other. How can it be possible to have felt so connected to someone who could hurt me so terribly?
Regardless of all of this, I miss how things were when they were good. Because when it was good nothing came close. For either of us. After having a very brief conversation a few weeks ago with him, it was evident within seconds. The feelings are still there on both ends. Knowing that because of how everything played out he can never be a part of my life again doesn’t make things easier. It doesn’t make me forget how things used to be. As much as I’ve been pushing myself to forget, I can’t control my mind. I can’t control how long this process is going to take.
Deep down I know we wouldn’t work. I know that he’s not a trust worthy person and is not concerned with how his actions impacted my life. I was the one left to deal with the aftermath. I was the one who had the wind knocked out of me. I struggle to convince myself there is someone else out there who I will connect with on this same if not deeper level who won’t hurt me. And while my brain screams these thoughts my heart aches with the memory of feeling so happy I had finally met who I thought was the one.
I hope there is a time where sudden electric charges of pain don’t pulse through me anymore. I hope there is a time where I can look back on all this and laugh because I am so happy with someone else he is a distant memory. All I know is right now I’m still sifting through everything and trying to be ok. And as much as I wish I could say I am completely over it. I’m not. But I’m getting there.