In Her Hazel Eyes

It is my personal opinion that a hard roll is the superior choice for the proper consumption of a bacon, egg and cheese if you want to enjoy it thoroughly.  It’s not too thick, its flavors blend with that of the egg in perfect harmony and if you’re so inclined, you can mush it down with your hands to the width of a pancake before digging in. And don’t get all judgey because it just tastes better that way, alright?

While I can assure you that my opinion on this matter may as well be called fact, it has been brought to my attention that certain individuals in our society feel strongly that the bagel outranks the roll in the BEC department. I’d like to make it known that I in no way dislike bagels. I live in New York and we have some great ones so I enjoy them as much as the next person. Maybe even a little more because most of my favorite activities consist of doing stuff while eating things. But back to my point…

In case you weren’t aware of the laws of FOOD (uh, read a book why don’t you), the bagel is really only a device in which to transport/shovel ungodly amounts of cream cheese into your gullet or around your facial area if you don’t have great aim. Can you wipe your face? GOD that is GROSS! Come ON, it’s in your hair now! Please just go take a shower, I can’t look at you anymore.

When you’re preparing a bagel, lets keep it away from my glorious egg and cheese as it’s liable to try to suffocate other items with its overbearing doughiness. No matter what you’re trying to pair it with, it’s going to try to take center stage. It’s the Christina Aguilera of baked goods. OH quit staring at me you stupid selfish bagel, you know I’m right! Now take off that sequin onesie, it’s too small and you just look silly.

As this is an argument I have had with several of my friends, I have also had the pleasure of getting my father’s thoughts on the debate. Below is the U.S. history lesson he shared with me as to why he feels strongly about hard rolls as well. It’s interesting to say the least…

“The debate regarding the hard roll vs. the bagel has actually been raging for many years now. It all started in 1931 in the Chicago kitchen of Mabel and Jasper Fekelberg. Mabel was cooking two cheese omelets for her and Jasper and she was nursing a near deadly hangover after sharing a gallon of Thunderbird wine with Jasper the previous evening. She had toasted and sliced a hard roll on her plate, but when she attempted to put the omelet on the plate it fell onto the two slices of hard roll. In her poor condition, she just said the hell with it and folded over the roll onto the omelet and started eating. Jasper walked in and saw what she was eating and was immediately intrigued. Jasper was a food lover from way back, as his 5’4” 375 lb frame attested to. Mabel had taken the last hard roll so Jasper just grabbed a bagel and threw the omelet on top of it, downing it in two huge bites.

From that moment the debate raged on, Mabel loved her omelet on her hard roll and Jasper on his bagel. Jasper did improve on choice by later slicing the bagel in half, thus enabling him to stuff bacon, sausage and ham in along with the cheese omelet. So this was the actual start of the hard roll vs. bagel debate. It was also the start of a sad decline for Jasper, as he became addicted to bagels and had to have them with everything he ate. He had gravy bagels, ice cream bagels, pizza bagels and even I am sad to say, deep fried bagels. This addiction sadly led to an early death for Jasper. He died at the young age of 44 after having ballooned up to 675 lbs. His legs gave out when he reached 550 lbs. but he would still roll his wheelchair down to the bakery every day. I guess the moral of the story would be stay with the hard rolls, you never know if you could be the next bagel addict.”