How to Survive a Zombie Attack.

Face eating zombies. A legitimate issue plaguing today’s society as well as my mind. This is a new radical group whom I’m only starting to form some sort of attack plan against. The threats just keep popping up I tell you. I’d been strongly warned about this possibility in the past but quickly brushed aside the probability of any real invasion. Until Miami happened. Until I saw the aftermath of these savage beasts. 

Before I launch into any discussion of possible protection, it would be best to first analyze the Miami feasting incident. No one seems to be able to give me a clear response about several components of this attack. First of all, why did this zombie feel the need to be naked? And on an even more serious note - why in god’s name was his victim naked? As a zombie, wouldn’t one think clothing might be a good form of camouflage? Instead of strolling down Lincoln Avenue with everything flailing around in the wind, at least TRY to act like you’re living. If you have that much of an aversion just put on a speedo, or a long t-shirt, I mean GEEZE. At least give your victim that shred of dignity. I don’t know about you but if I’m going to be mauled by anything I’d prefer it be wearing a sweater vest at the very least. 

On another note, as a potential victim, I’d like to think I’d put up at least a little fight if someone was trying to chew my face. In what scenario would anyone just lie down and let it happen? It seems to me this guy didn’t even bother to put his arms up or at the very least, ask him to quit it? Uhh… excuse me, sir? Would you mind refraining from gnawing on my cheek? Yea, what you’re doing right now, can you stop? Sir, that’s my nose… 

Lately I keep reading about ‘bath salts’ as being the culprit for all these attacks.  I’m not sure about you people but I’m not buying it. Perhaps there were maybe one or two incidents you can attribute to this drug but beyond that something else is certainly going on around here.  After tying the Miami attack to bath salts, you’re trying to tell me that people out there are still doing this? I don’t believe it. There is no way a sane human being tries a drug that causes panic attacks, hysteria, mental deterioration and oh yea, there’s a slight chance you MAY EAT YOUR FAMILY. 

I am certainly not someone who is going to give the American public too much credit here. My general believe is that, on average, most of us are a few steps away from being labeled actual gorillas. Aside from this, I’d still like to think if you are given the option between biting your friend and not biting your friend, you would choose the former. This leads to my further belief that, quite obviously, zombies are slowly taking over this country and I don’t plan to hang around to watch it happen. I’ve heard several people say, “When hell is full, the dead will walk the earth.” Considering the countless number of assholes strolling around New York City alone, odds are it’s filling up pretty quickly. 

After doing a good amount of research, I have come up with a variety of ways to protect myself from the invasion. The first of which being that you’re going to need to move to a remote location as far away from society as possible. I, living in New York City, am not in what I would consider an ideal area. With high numbers of both homeless and hipsters wearing plaid roaming the streets, it’s already difficult to determine who’s who. Thus, I will assume everyone is infected and maintain a safe ten foot distance away at all times. 

When I feel that New York is no longer a safe location to reside in, I plan to take my belongings and escape to a small cabin in the woods of Canada. Upon completing this move (and don’t try to follow me), I will next be digging several pit traps around my new property. These are large deep holes in the ground which I will cover with sticks and leaves. If any creatures are able to sniff me out I will lure them away from my log cabin (which I have quite obviously built myself) and into one of these traps. Once they have fallen in I plan to taunt them with poking sticks and see what kinds of tricks I can teach them. I bet people would pay to see a zombie roll over or fetch a newspaper. 

I will also certainly need to make sure this glorious cabin of mine has well water and is in no way associated with city water. I want no traceable lines leading to my property and who’s to say city employees aren’t already zombies at this point? We all know zombies have absolutely no work ethic. And god only knows what they’re dropping into the water. 

Another important component of protection is going to be the stock piling of weapons. Rifles, guns, knives, bow and arrows, grenades, what have you. If you’re like me and the thought of shooting a rifle seems almost physically impossible, make sure you plan your escape with a larger, more appropriately trained friend. Make a deal with him or her. You do the cooking, they do the mass murdering. Done and done. 

My last piece of advice to you is this. It is currently unknown how long zombies can live once they invade. Are they immortal? No one seems to know just yet. So if you find yourself in the middle of an apocalypse, know that they are patient beings. If you haven’t heard any activity for awhile this doesn’t necessarily mean you should venture out and go about your business. At this point Starbucks is probably closed anyway and even if it’s not - do you really want to die for a vanilla latte?  Be smart and prepare. If you don’t? Not my problem. Just don’t come looking for my cabin because you’re not getting in. And if you happen to fall into one of my  pit traps you best learn to do some tricks if you want to eat.